So what makes Jewels the happy person that she is?

OK, let me tell you what makes me happy, family makes me happy and more than ever this weekend I have realised that, I went to my cousin's wedding a cousin I hadn't seen in years, saw his daughters and son and realised that I have such a lovely family around me that I am blessed in so many ways, firstly through my family always being there for me, no going hippy on you you're not interested in that are you!  That makes me happy.

I'm happy that I've told everyone that I used to get beaten up by my boyfriend, that has been a huge relief for me to say it outloud and for people to think that I am an OK person despite of this because that was never my fault.

I am happy because I'm not ill anymore I don't know how many of you know this well you do know if you're reading this blog I couldn't walk about a year ago my legs swelled with water, I had labyrnthitis and this is a big one here I had a bit of anxiety well a lot actually - but hey it happens to a lot of people and as you can see I am a WHOLE lot better.  Health is so important & you don't quite realise how important it is until you've lost it so that make me happy I have now regained my health.

I am happy because I have managed to go down from a Size 30 to a Size 16 or 14 in UK terms that has changed my life immensely because although I'm no sylph like girl I'm me and that's all I can ever be just me and I love being me now I used to get people shouting stuff at the street at me when I was bigger now its weird people compliment me I still can't get used to that.  Its silly things like people in a shop i.e. men and women saying that I look nice I don't really know how to react - silly huh for a woman of 37 but because I've never really experienced it I am trying very hard to know how to react.  I now smile and say thank you because I think they mean it - it is very nice hearing that and I'm not putting this up for more people to say it, its just an "odd state of affairs" for me to have people complimenting me.

I am happy because I have regained a whole new interest in music .... something maybe in the pipeline there but lets leave that for another time its opened up a whole new world to me.

I'm happy since my nan died and this is getting personal here its like I have become a whole new brighter Julie maybe she's looking over my shoulder who knows?  Its like I've found Julie again I lost her for a long time I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.  I lost who I was through some stupid fella beating me up now I've regained me.

Do you know what I don't care what people think of me that makes me so happy I always used to put a bag in front of me, always wear a coat people that didn't have weight issues may not understand that but it was sort of hiding behind things because I didn't feel worthy enough now I don't and that makes me so happy - today I went out without a coat on - not a big deal huh yeah it was for me!!!!!

Being very open and honest here a big thing that has made me very happy is that I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome that was partly why I was bigger before it means that you produce too many eggs that can't be fertilised, Posh Spice has it lots of people have it I am one of them, nah don't want to be Posh Spice thank you very much, but 20% of women have it so if you have it speak up its nothing to be ashamed of and really too much information here but if you want to know why I'm happy about 5 years ago my periods came back they went for 10 years gosh I am revealing a lot about myself but that has made me so happy because yes that means that when I decide to hopefully it won't be as hard as I thought it was to have kids and that virtually has me crying here because that is a big important part of my life that I want to succeed in.

I'm happy because I unburdened myself of all my silly little things, my silly little I can't do this I can't do that I CAN DO ANYTHING BECAUSE THIS IS A WHOLE NEW BRIGHT SPARKLY JULIE THAT WILL TRY HER UTMOST TO ACHIEVE EVERYTHING SHE HAS ALWAYS WANTED TO ACHIEVE.

That's why I am so happy all the time and no I'm still not going to put up a piccie of me when I was bigger I'm happy now I obviously will be happier if I lose more weight but Marilyn Monroe was a Size 16 so who am I to argue with that.

See you do know Jewels now don't you I am an open book maybe too much of an open book at times but that's me now and that makes me happy, see if I have touched one person saying I have the condition I mentioned above I'll be happy, if I touch one person because I said I was beaten up I'll be happy.

Being happy comes naturally to me now it didn't before I sort of hid behind a lot of things - now I am JULIE and who thought it would happen before the big 40 I certainly didn't - thank you illness for bringing out the true Julie you really don't know how grateful I am that I have gone through certain things because it means now I can get on with life and think yep thats me and do you know what I LOVE BEING ME!!!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSK9kkM7GL4

That's how I feel now listen!!!!!!!!!

Jewels xxxxx

OK lets see a bit more about Jewels digging deeper here another taboo subject Anorexia

So you know a lot more about me now some not so nice, well I'm putting this one up in the hope that this doesn't or isn't happening to someone else now.

You all know I have lost weight 8 stone, you all know why its important to lose weight safely, here comes the big thing, I am doing it safely this time, exercise and a proper diet and I felt the time was right to tell people about this it's another deep breath and putting it up sort of blog but if I can help one person, one parent to tell their child not to go through something like I did then it was worth me writing it huh?

So you're thinking OK what is this thing its called Anorexia, yep I said it outloud then & a few people knew not many any of you reading this now will know, it was 18 years ago I had it for a year and I was six stone I am not even going to put up a photo of what I looked like then, it was like looking at a skeleton. 

The thing is anorexia is nothing about models, wanting to look good its all about control its trying to take back a bit of control in your life for something you felt out of control with, I've worked through my issues and got better really quickly because I sought help.

Family played a huge role in this, once I told them they rallied around, you are probably reading this and thinking yeah that was me too a lot of us have been anorexic but again its one of those taboo subjects I want to make it not a taboo subject I want if you're a parent to make sure that like me your child isn't exercising for up to 5 hours a day only having an apple for lunch, ducking out of dinner, I'm doing this purely for aww no poor Julie's because funnily enough I have a whole different approach to eating now I sensibly eat - the whole reason I was bigger before is a different story one we might get on to it was nothing about the bounce back from anorexia.

I want you or your kids to be as happy as I am now I am beyond happy you can all tell that and of course anorexia never completely leaves you I still look at the calories on things but I do it in  A HEALTHY WAY NOW NOT AN ANOREXIC WAY.  So please don't think I'm going hurrah I've got down to a size 14 because I'm heading that way again cos this girl is too savvy for that Julie is doing it because she wants to be the best person she can be in a healthy way.

Please if you have kids, check their eating habits, if you know someone who has anorexia encourage them to go to a doctor, tell someone again thats how it all starts just tell someone and there is lots and lots of help out there there was for me 18 years ago so now there is even more.

If you take one thing away from this look at me now, do I look happy, contented with my life, with how everything in it is going yes I do comes back the answer because I asked for help, its the only way to get better.

Again hope I haven't shocked you but things like this have to be brought into the open, I've been a Size 6 UK size now I'm a size 14/16, love my curves, love I'm doing it the right way, its again taken me a lot of courage and soul searching to write this because its so personal but sometimes you have to do things that are hard on you to help others and that is my goal in life to help as many people as I can.

Other people have been amazing to me, I want to repay them back.

Look at me now I'm not anorexic anymore do you want to be like me, does your child want to be like me, full of giggles and not worrying about food then look into my eyes see there's hope there that you will get better because you will - I did - why not you?

You are finding an awful lot about me but I'm an open book I don't keep things hidden.

Lets definitely make the next subject a lighter one.

Love Jewels xx

Something Very Important In the Life of Jewels That I Would Like You To Read - I Am Doing This To Help If I Can

So, after my last blog on music I thought to myself well to know the real Julie you need to know a little of her past.

This has taken me a lot of courage to do this and I don't want any well done's or anything like that for doing this, I'm doing this because I don't want anyone else to go through what I did, so you're thinking quizzically what did she go through, what's so different from me, well maybe nothing if you read on.

Can you remember what you did on your 22nd birthday, I can, it was the first time I got hit by a man, yes you read that right and this isn't some man hating blog AT ALL I think men are fabulous (like totally they are they are great, they are funny, they are sexy, they are brilliant, now I do I really do and that's no word of a lie) but this is a tiny bit of my story and it works both ways, women hit men as well and it happens in same sex relationships as well.

So, it's come as a slight shock to most people on here, a few people knew not many but if I can help one man or woman though telling my story then me sharing this has been worth it.

I probably haven't suffered half the amount of abuse that a lot of you women and men on here have but again this is my story, so here's how it goes.  I went out with a man for ten years, throughout most of that ten years he hit me, nowhere that people could see, my family never knew (they do now don't worry and I have totally laid this to rest with help - if you're going through the same thing I advise you to do the same thing).

He hit me on my 22nd birthday because I couldn't park properly in a space that's how stupid and ignorant people are that physically and emotionally control you, there's no rhyme nor reason to why they do it - its just a control thing, they feel like own something i.e. you and can treat that person how they want to, the abuse didn't end until I was 31, he used to hit me on the back of the head, legs, back, tell me how fat I was, yeah I was a lot bigger but this again was all about control.

People and I am saying people here not men because I fully realise it works both ways carry out this type of behaviour because there is something lacking in their life, IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT - IF YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS IF YOU TAKE ONE THING FROM THIS - REMEMBER THAT SENTENCE.

They whittle away little by little your self confidence - why did you think I found it hard to accept compliments about the way I looked?  It was because of this simple as that, once someone continually puts in your head that you aren't worthy, that you don't look in any way normal you start to believe it and I know you're thinking now why Julie, why did you let it go on, I once I told my family and a few people realised why, because he had whittled away every bit of self confidence I had.

People that knew me at school knew me as a happy-go-lucky gal and that's what I am now and that is why I am so happy - I've released myself from those constraints of that person, I realise I am worthy, I realise I look as good as the next person, I realise that what that person did was completely wrong and will never ever let anyone treat me like that again - EVER!

If you are going through something similar I want you to know you are not alone, it doesn't just happen to you, it's not anything you are doing the person that is doing it to you is AT FAULT, NOT YOU, please tell a friend, a family member, if you're a member of an organisation tell someone, that's how you start to get through this.  I wasn't married to this man nor had children with him so I fully realise it's a lot harder when you do have those ties.  There are organisations out there that can help you, please get in touch with them, tell a doctor, tell anyone you trust, just tell someone because the feeling you experience once you know you aren't alone and aren't all these things that that person has told you you are is IMMENSE.

I am beyond happy now, I wanted to share my story not for any poor Julie comments, I feel sorry for the person that did that to me, what made the person do it?  I'll never properly know but you know what now I don't care, why waste one more minute of my energy which is completely POSITIVE on a person that wasn't.

I can't change my past in relation to this but you know what I think it's made me a stronger person I can now tell genuine people and all of my friends on facebook are genuine that's why you're my friends.

Am I guarded now?  No!  That's what I want to get across I want you to feel those butterfly wings fluttering like me if you're going through what I went through, I want you to soar, I want you to feel good about yourself, so if someone is treating you in the same way I was treated or worse please take a minute whilst reading this and think you know what if I tell someone I trust maybe I just might be as happy and content as Julie is now.

It's taken an awful lot of deep breaths and thinking about it all to put this out so publically but I have nothing to feel ashamed of I now realise that, I want you to feel the same.

A bit of a long post but I think something so important needed to be, I hope I haven't shocked you, made you upset because I am absolutely fine beyond belief now why do you think I do silly videos, show my face, say what I want because now Julie has emerged and wants to grab on to every bit of life that she can.

You can do the same, it just takes that first conversation with someone you trust - I know one out of every four women in their lives has some form of emotional/physical abuse in their life that means 200 of you out there may experience this if I can stop one just one person having to go through what I went through I'm happy I posted this.  I'm happy I posted it anyway, look at me, I AM WORTHY, I AM AS GOOD AS THE NEXT PERSON, I NEVER DESERVED TO GET HIT - NEITHER DO YOU.  Am I fine as I am? Of course I am!!!

Please read this if you're a man/woman/parent anyone if you can help anyone by passing this on please do.

Take care and lets make the next post a bit lighter but it needed to be said I needed to help if I could.

Please take a listen to this song you beautiful flowers and I mean that to both men and women, just change the wording around if you are a man going though this, it says it in one song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Zbn7Khv8zM

Jewels xxx

Something a little lighter let's go with music perhaps before you find out more about Julie?

I AM really liking this off the cuff writing it's sort of theraputic in a way isn't it, lets you put your feelings down and your thoughts, rambly even though mine are!

So what have I found recently that inspires me?  Well you'd think at 37 I'd have had all the inspiration I needed.  Not true you can always keep growing, keep finding out more and more and one thing which has been a huge inspiration for me over the last year is music.

Music you say?  Well everyone likes music!  Yeah, true but do they really listen to the words and feel them, putting my hands up now I didn't before!!  It was just in one ear and out of the other and sure I liked music and dancing, but THIS is the important part for me now I've come across all sorts of musicians through being on facebook and totally re-jigged (Is that a word?  Well it is now!).

My tastes have changed rapidly I was always a sort of "poppy girl" before, no longer, I can appreciate a good pop song, BUT now I'm totally open to hearing all sorts of music.  Country - yeah it does it for me it sort of really lets the emotions out, blues music and this might only be me - kinda raw and what I'd like to play I think if only I could master this guitar!

My leaning is towards rock now and I am loving it (yeah I do like a bit of Michael Buble - no judging on that one people - good songs are good songs)!!  Rock is really raw, lets all sorts of emotions come flooding out and rock needn't be heavy metal, although I do like my \m/ it can be soft as well and I think if I'm trying to pin it down that's why I like it - its got many faces to it.

So you've found out a bit more about Julie, she's a changed girl musically as well - hmm lots of changes in my life over the last few years - I think rock was always there, it just hid itself from me very well I don't think I listened to what my heart really wanted to listen to.

As I said good music is good music from whatever genre its from, just stop and listen to the lyrics sometimes, sometimes they're speaking about what your heart really wants to say what is impossible to keep silent, I think I've found my niche musically but I'm always open to new music because THIS new Julie wants to keep learning, growing and experiencing.

Talk to you soon.

Jewels xxx

So now are you ready for more - do you want a peek inside Julie's head?

I kinda like doing this now it might seem a bit rambly but that's the sort of person I am - WELL it is now didn't always used to be because not only has my inside changed but my outer look has changed as well.

This is supposed to be about me right?  Well two years ago I was 8 stone heavier and no I'm not going to show you the photos but I WILL show you a photo of me a year ago and one now to show you what I can now see.

I didn't think I looked any different at all - you all know how you think you look in the mirror my perception of how I looked was way different but that's because I had been a lot bigger for a lot of my life - there is a story in here that will be for later which shows you that I'd not always been bigger but as I said I think that's for somewhere down the line not now not when you are getting to know the real Julie.  Infact I'm just getting used to knowing the new Julie, its quite a surprise and people sort of seem to like it.

The first photo was taken a year ago and I was heavier then not 8 stone heavier than I am now but a lot heavier and in my head I still thought up until the other day I was that woman.

Now take a look at the second photo that's me a couple of days ago - right huh why didn't I see it before, perhaps you have a mental image stuck in your mind when you are much bigger.

Then scan the pictures at how I look in my eyes - can you see in the second photo I'm happy, I'm so happy, I want to give off that glow always and PLAN on doing it!

I'm now the size that Marilyn Monroe always was a size 16 and I'm planning on losing more weight - but its not because I want to be Marilyn - goodness gracious that would be ridiculous!  But its for me that I want to lose more weight I now can accept compliments on how I look I couldn't before - ANOTHER major thing for me, now it's about being as great as I feel on the inside, showing on my outer shell and I know that you can be a fabulous person heavier or lighter but this is my story and this is how I feel.

Healthy is the way to go for me because with my family history I want to be the best Julie inside and out that I can be and I think I'm giving off that sort of glow now, I kinda feel it & others have reinforced it but I KNOW and that's the most important part me knowing that I'm OK, I'm good, I'm not perfect but then who in the hell wants to be perfect - NOT ME! 

Enough for now I think because there's a lot more about Julie that you'll find out.

I think the main message I'm trying to get across is that love yourself whether you be bigger or smaller, smaller is working for me but body type doesn't matter to me where friends are concerned, you can be heavy/thin somewhere inbetween - I'm going for the inbetween - I think it sort of suits my character to be not one side of the scale but somewhere in the middle - basically feel comfortable in your own skin and I SO DO now I SO DO.

We'll talk again I'm sure of it.

Jewels xx

So Let's Find Out a Bit More About Me - Now Are You Sure You Want To?!

So I did my last blog months ago and didn't publish it hmm that is a bit like me I'm a self confessed Libran with all of those traits and thought well what will people think of me?

Now comes the BIG part in my life a lot has changed in those few months, unwittingly people have helped me along the way, I've decided to shed my skin funny analogy a bit like a snake peeling off my insecurities layer by layer, basically trying to make myself a better person (cry at the back says you're not one of these people that force your opinion on other people).  No I'm not.  I like to take people as I find them and with a few weird experiences along the way (but then don't we all have some) I like to make people happy.

BUT the biggest thing I've realised is that to help others to be happy is that you have to be fully yourself and that's me now I don't really care what people think of me, sure you're going to have people that like you and people that don't.  Maybe its an age thing?  Doubt it I'm only 37 and not ready for a middle age change but I am ready for a before 40 type of change and that is what I'm aiming to do and succeeding.  See I praised myself then something I would never have done before.

Hmm this is getting a bit deep isn't, are you sure you want to read on?  Well I'm hoping so because that's really why I am doing this.  It's to finally become the Julie that has always been inside of me, sure she scrambled out on a few occasions but I've always been a bit withdrawn in my past and boom suddenly over the last couple of months I've thought why am I like this?  Why not just be me?

So now am I am just being me, I'm accepting compliments, I would never have done before, I thought I wasn't the perfect size 10 or whatever your country's equivalent is, I thought I didn't deserve them.  Stupid huh?  Yeah NOW I realise that.

I'm 8 stone lighter than I was 2 years ago but you know I feel like double that weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I feel free (cheesy huh?) but sometimes cheesy works well it has for me.

I'm doing things I would NEVER have thought I would have been able to I'm even going on a plane even though I'm frightened beyond words to do it but sometimes in life you have to stand back and think hmm if I don't push myself to do things I never ever will and this feels like the right time.

This feels like the right time to do a lot of things and you know what I'm smiling from my ankles upwards to find out what's next on my journey through life, never had a plan for my life - sort of have now and that's a good thing.

So that's a bit more about me, I'm a weird mix of things but then all of us are aren't we that's why no two fingerprints are the same, we're individuals and that is why people become interested in us they want to know our story and that's what I hope to do in my blogs tell my story - its probably not that much different than a lot of people's but it's my story and that's why it's important for me to tell it.

I'll write more soon, I'm kinda liking this now.

Jewels xxxxxx

Let's Start At The Very Beginning

Well let's start at the very beginning as the Sound of Music says its a very good place to start.  Of course as you can see from my writing, this is my first attempt at blogging so forgive the mistakes, blogging and the like are all new to me but I'm a chatty person so I thought why not! Give it a go!  I'm starting a creative writing course in September so really this is an effort by me to just let the wider world - yes that's you all probably one of you that's reading this to know a little bit more about me.

I'm English, I'm small, I'm just over the brow of the hill heading towards forty, but does that bother me well... yes and no.  You suddenly realise that you've got to give new things a chance - henceforth me doing this and well a lot of things really.  I've realised over the last few years that life is here very briefly and we should really give it our all.  So anyway I'm rambling I tend to do that, so lets me concise here and tell you a bit about myself.

Hmm whats there to tell well a lot really but this isn't the place ... yet.  How am I doing so far - yeah I heard that at the back - rubbish as Eric & Ernie used to say (look it up on youtube if you're American or younger than me!) I'm not a complicated girl yes I did say girl not a woman till I'm the big 40 and then I'll admit to it then!  I intend to use this blog to get the feel of how to write I'm just writing this off the cuff now - (yeah you don't say) and just putting a few thoughts down really.

I've been spurred on to do this by quite a few people - inspirational people to me and you know who you are if you're reading this it's going to be perhaps like a diary just an open one and yes a girl does have to have some secrets so I won't tell all but I'll tell enough to keep maybe one person and myself entertained.

So now we've established I'm older and a bit wiser I would say from experiences of all kinds but again my first blog shouldn't be about that, that will come later, have you learnt anything about me?  Well I hope so, that was my intention anyway.  I've rambled on far too long for a first blog so I'll sign off saying let change happen in your life, it's a good thing and maybe we'll find out more why in my next blog.

Jewels xx